feeling blue in a sea of pink

It was bound to happen. A blue day. (blue accessories alert!) Especially given that I’ve been living with cancer for just 5 days. That’s less than a week! A week ago my TTT had not been discovered! A week ago I was stressing about my dog eating my undies, my daughter not finishing her dinner, and my tennis game not getting any better.

But today, reality sank in. Holy shit. I have to actually deal with this. And there’s so much to do on top of my already jam-packed life (and of course this takes precedence) but I’m not gonna lie, it’s hard not to feel like I’m sinking here. It’s a lot to take in, and there’s a lot to be done. And all I want to do is…nothing.

I snapped at the kids today. For no reason. I blame it on the TTT. (because of course I’m a totally awesome mom 100% of the time: engaged, laser-focused, and interested in every little thing they’re doing.)

You’ve decided you want to be a Vampire for Halloween and not a surfer girl? Stupendous! 

You’re going to play Torrey Smith and not Josh Gordon as your flex and ignore my advice? Fantastic!

I need to come out and view the Halloween decorations at the front of the house right away this second right now? Absolutely! 

I saw an excellent movie today at the Mill Valley Film Festival with S and K called “Beside Still Waters” (fun fact: actor Chris Lowell who was in Veronica Mars wrote directed it and came to speak before and after and he is supercute.) Think “The Bill Chill” of our generation – high school friends gather in a big house for a weekend following the death of the main character’s parents and we experience grief, longing, humor, and regret along with the 8 friends who reconnect after this tragedy.  Chris Lowell said afterwards, he hopes it makes people want to pick up the phone and connect with people they’ve lost touch with and it does. So even though the movie was beautiful and poignant and really quite excellent, it wasn’t until I came home that I started to feel, well, sorta blue.

You guys have been great. I’m loving all of the comments to my posts and the feedback on the blog in general. Everyone keeps saying “You have such a great attitude about this” and “If there’s anyone who will fight this it’s you” – and I appreciate those sentiments, I really do! I need you guys in my corner, cheering me on, lifting me up, no doubt. But today, I’m going to say that feeling blue is okay. Some days are just like that. And that’s ok. For reals.

xo JG

5 Responses

  1. J – I must say when I received this news I cried. Not because I don’t think you will be OK as I know you will. No question but because you and those darling kids have to go through this. That is BS! I know you have an amazing family, kids and friends and are one of the strongest people I know and I have known you for a long time. But some things just make you feel blue and this news did. But that quickly changed when I thought of the person you are and the community you are a part of. You are surrounded by sunshine and lots of yellow. Stay strong and keep the sense of humor. I love your writings and blog. It is awesome. A great outlet. Just weeks ago you gave me the best advice on M when we were chatting regarding that Spark photo shoot thing. I hung up thinking wow that Jen is amazing and really has life in perspective. Thank you for that you spent the time with me and were so great. You are going to be fine my friend and in the meantime hang in there through the ups/downs and waiting. Never fun waiting for anything. You have the best kids, amazing husband and mom. Your friends and family will support you and your family the same way you support our community each and every day. Many hugs my friend. XXOO

  2. That’s right momma……feeling blue is OK!!!!
    Understanding that you are human is OK!!!
    Saying having a TTT or “The “C” Word is F_ _ _ _D UP!!!!
    Snapping at your kids is OK!!!!! Guilty!!!!
    You will and have to have these days, don’t fight just let it flow down the river and out to sea.
    So have a day or 2 or even more of feeling BLUE, then come out the other side.

  3. Felicia just perfectly wrote what I was thinking. Of course kids don’t really understand and they will force you to rally, even when you don’t want to, but occasionally you have to soak in the emotions and fear. And then you’re back! At your worst and best you are still amazing!

  4. Its absolutely OK to snap at your kids. Especially when they don’t listen to your Fantasy advice! Your FP! don’t they know that?

  5. Snap away – everyone will survive this and be stronger for it! And, if you don’t want to snap at your kids, feel free to snap at us!

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