PW 2013 Continues

We are reporting to you live, from East Corte Madera, which now marks day 3 of Poopwatch 2013. Here’s an update on what we know: In an effort to motivate results, we’ve deployed a plethora of special agents both chemical and psychological to do the job at hand. They are, and are not limited to: Miralax, Smooth Moves Tea, Colace, Ativan, and plenty fluid intake. Unfortunately, despite these measures, and after consulting with many PW’s (Poop Whisperers), we have not seen the targeted results we were hoping for. Never say never!

[Cut to:]

Miss J: Wait a minute, did someone just say ‘Never Say Never?’ That’s a JB song!

Me: I know! It’s your fave.

Miss J: It used to be my fave, but now it’s ‘Fall.’

I still have a bag of tricks up my sleeve (or to be more precise, items in a bag from the pharmacy) that I can try. So fear not people, I am confident I will have news to share that will provide the conclusion and final chapter of PW2013 very, very soon!

In other news, today was my first full day at home back with the regular routine of the kids going to school and M going to work. I spent most of the day in my Command Center Chair in my bedroom, surrounded by the remote, my iPhone, iPad mini, laptop, wallet, a stack of magazines, chapstick, headphones and pillows. Yes, I can easily rule the world from this set-up.

[Actually, if you may permit me to brag, I did manage to purchase a few Hannukah presents, reserve tickets for Miss J’s Holiday Singing Performance, schedule a Dr’s appointment, get advance birthday presents for CZ&J’s friends’ upcoming parties, all while knocking out 3 episodes of The Mindy Project and The Good Wife and 1 episode of Pretty Little Liars. Not bad, eh?]

On the physical side of things, I’m a whole lotta sore in not just the “all the right places” but in other areas as well. This affects my breathing, specifically as the pain from my chest and ribs and midsection prevents me from taking proper deep breaths, which is really important to do. So I was given a breath toy from the hospital to work on to increase my range of breath. I’m also itchy from the pain meds, so M must gently massage my shoulders and back and arms with arnica cream to help.

On the emotional side of things, I’m so relieved to be home and done with the surgery. It’s at times like these when I’m facing a long road to recovery ahead, which involves a tremendous amount of down time, that I’m super proud of my heritage coming from such a long line of “experienced resters.” I’m not sure if I’ve explicitly shared my dad’s mad resting skills or the theory that if there was an Olympic Sport in marathon resting, my dad would have not just medaled multiple times, but also would have held the all-time record. Let’s just say that my dad can nap circles around your dad. Neener-neener. So there.

photo

The Champion Napper + the Intern

We gave the intern a few days off last week and he spent the weekend at Angels Camp with his brother Murphy. I think he needed some brother bonding time and we are so grateful to Team Weiny for taking such good care of him! Welcome home Lucky!

xo

JG

 

2 Responses

  1. I hated that little breathing toy!! I found out how important it was though when my lung collapsed after one of my many reconstruction surgeries!!! So please play with that toy!!!!

  2. I wasn’t going to write again, but now you have gone TOO far. Toilet humor is supposed to be sacred to men. There is a clear bylaw that anything related to poop, toilets, snot, barfing is off limits for women to find remotely funny. In fact, when most of us real men use that as our predictable come on, it generally results in the equally predictable rejection.

    This is clearly grounds for a full subscription refund. Oh yeah, you don’t charge. Nevertheless, grow up, sister. Talk about wine, clothes, and Housewives of New York, but leave the toilet humor to real men. Do you have a preference of which way you like your toilet paper rolls? Are you an over the top or under the bottom? Do you know what your husband prefers? You see, when real men go into other bathrooms, we change it if they do it wrong.

    You want to be accepted in the fraternity? Ok, here’s “whatcha gotta do.” When ‘ya REALLY unload tonight, if you TRULY qualify…your toilet won’t be able to handle it. You won’t know any better, and knowing you….you will flush, won’t you? Dumb move. What a great bonding experience it will be for your children to watch your bare feet covered with lovely waste water of all your donations.

    Now, step two is to make a dam at the doorway with M’s towels (you never use yours), grab the double plunger, and attempt CPR on a full toilet. You caused it, you fix it. Simple physics, however, will tell you that as soon as you submerge an object of any size in a full body of water, you will have another bonding experience. In your frustration, you will undoubtedly act like a real man and try to flush again, wont you? You will see it all in slowwwwww motion as your hand hits the nozzle at the very second your youngest child yells, “Mom, don’t do that!”

    After you give up knowing you have a fully plugged non-fixable toilet, because YOU REALLY had to unload your contributions, go to Home Depot. The toilet bowl aisle has 22 different models, each with names similar to a new home development. The Cadet, Rialto, Performa. I once asked if any of the names indicated certain important characteristics, because the last name seemed to be the best. A older man who heard me, stopped, and proceeded to brag that he loved his toilet. “Try this one, you’ll really like it. It’ll last you a long time and you’ll be pleased with its performance.” It was as if he were selling a Dodge Caravan. You will think how impressive it is that so many actually have a toilet preference.

    So, Jennifer, are you really ready to be in our league? When the salesman asks if you prefer “regular” or “elongated,” what will you answer? I never thought I would be asked that by another human being. If M is with you, be sure to answer the latter. He will feel proud.

    So, you want to learn to spit, recite obscure football lineups, and laugh about toilet humor? Don’t even think about being at our level until you are a veritable expert on an elongated Kohler 4276 with wax rings, toilet bolts, and toilet gaskets that are two inches taller than its twin model, the 4274. Even with a used seat,your 4276 has excellent thrust, just as the salesman and the customer bragged.

    Go back to sewing unless your ready for the big leagues. Once you “go there with bathroom humor,” you will have to lift your leg and fart in public, too. Only then will I renew my subscription.

    Don’t expect another response. You crossed the sacred line.

Leave a Reply