I finally got my drain out on Monday! Thrilled not to have my co-pilot with me anymore and have the difficult task of having to “accessorize” with it. When I was there, they also did a fill on my left. So I am getting close to being done. Only 2 more fills over the next 2 weeks (cross fingers) and that’s it! I can see the finish line. It keeps moving, but it’s there. Phew.
My recent surgery however, did push back our timeline a bit. So I’ve had to let go of the June 11 surgery date. My new surgery date is June 23. I’m fine with that. I wish it were sooner, but it is what it is.
Tonight I am going to our school fundraiser Fashion Show. It’s the one I chaired for 2 years and last year was invited to be in. It’s a super fun event where the community comes together to celebrate and acknowledge gratitude for the moms and dads and teachers who dedicate their time to our children’s education. I remember last year the nervous excitement I felt about walking down the runway – and the anxiety I had about my body. It’s ironic to look back on that now, given what “my body” has gone through over the last 6 months. Infact, “my body” is a bit of a train wreck at the moment from all the surgery and the wear and tear. I wish I could say that my CJ has elevated my self esteem about physical appearance in a way that I don’t care about it anymore. Or that I’m so grateful to be alive and moving forward (I am!) that these trivial things such as fitting into my skinny jeans, or wearing short shorts don’t bother me.
I’m trying to forgive myself for the days I’ve spent not exercising recovering from surgery, or because I just didn’t feel up to it; the afternoons that ice cream was way more appealing than carrot sticks; the feelings I’ve had about my body betraying me, first with the cancer, and now with the reconstruction delays and complications. I’m finding that forgiveness and acceptance can be more difficult than you might think. Thankfully I’ve had the benefit of great family and friends who have surrounded me with love and perspective.